Well it's been a while since I've posted. As one might surmise from the tone of my last post, I struggled with the challenge, and in April, I threw in the towel. Although I still think the challenge was a worthwhile endeavor, I felt a little sheepish about not sticking it out for a full year. But at the end of March I got a new job in management and I realized there is a limit to how much self-improvement a person can undertake at once.
Being a first-time supervisor has been challenging and rewarding--an opportunity to learn new skills, play to my strengths, and stretch myself--but definitely stressful. Sometimes at the end of the day I get "decision fatigue," where I just can't make one more decision about anything, not even what to make for dinner. It can be lonely being the boss, and frequently it feels like your subordinates and your superiors are all mad at you for different reasons. Add to that the feeling of waking up every morning, looking in your closet, and feeling like you have nothing appropriate to wear and no means of remedying the situation, and it was just too much. My new office is more formal than my old one and as a supervisor (also the youngest manager and one of only a handful of women), I felt the need to look the part.
When I bought some new work clothes in April--blazers, blouses, and shoes--it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. As much as I felt bad for quitting my own challenge, that guilt was far outweighed by a new sense of calm confidence that I was equipped in at least one way to be effective at work, even while I blindly, frantically felt my way in most other areas.
I still try to make intentional buying choices and am working to edit my wardrobe as much as possible. I recently discovered a fashion start-up called Cuyana, founders of the "Lean Closet Movement" and whose motto is "fewer, better things." I really love what they are all about: a woman should love everything in her closet, and every item should be distinctive and timeless. She should cultivate and curate her wardrobe instead of consuming and discarding.
So did I live "deliberately and authentically" this year, as I professed to want to in January? I think so. I finally made it to Thailand and Cambodia, places I had wanted to visit for at least a dozen years. My marriage is thriving, I have reconnected with some lost friends, and every day in my job I have a chance to demonstrate my core values as a leader.
As they say, life's a journey, not a destination. I still have a long way to go, but I know my path will be intentional and meaningful, even if the smaller goals change along the way.
